Kingdom family, you are awe-inspiring. You are always there, even when the brokenness of my biological family nearly consumes me. You support me even though you barely know me, or you support me even though you know my ugliness and sin. Far too good to me. I feel the love of Jesus so strongly through you, and there’s nothing I’ve done to deserve it. I’ll miss you all so dearly, friends. It’s crazy to think that I won’t see some of you until August 2013 at the earliest. 

And it’s always hard to see it this way, but I suppose this is barely the beginning of our lives as family in eternity. Eternity with awesome people, who are only getting more sanctified with time. Who can say no to that? 

Love you always, fam, and I’m so sorry for the ways I’ve been awful at loving well. You’ve loved me even when I’ve been bad at loving you, and for that I’m incredibly grateful.

I just ordered a new camera and lens!!! Not a DSLR, but a micro four thirds mirrorless interchangeable-lens camera (what a mouthful, haha).  After some discussion with one of my pastors, who is a photographer, I ordered an Olympus 12.3 megapixel E-PL1 Pen camera body and a Panasonic Lumix 20mm f/1.7 micro four thirds pancake lens. 

I’ve always wanted an upgrade from my Canon point-and-shoot, but I didn’t have money (well, still don’t..) and thought it wasn’t really necessary.  With the World Race approaching, though, I thought it would be good to have a quality camera.  So over the last few days, I’ve been searching and comparing, but along with getting really excited I found myself getting impatient. I wanted the camera really badly; I wanted to just order it immediately.  But something held me back, telling me I was being impulsive and reckless, that perhaps I shouldn’t spend so much money without first praying and seeking God’s will for me in this.  Did I need the camera, or did I just want it?  Was my heart in the right place, and would this glorify Him in any way?  I didn’t really think so. So I expressed these thoughts to my pastor, thanking him for his advice and input but telling him I was still praying about actually buying something.  

And then… my goodness… I got this e-mail from him: 

Michelle, 

In just a few minutes I’m sending you a digital gift card from Amazon that will help a little with the camera. 

This is one way Martha and I can support you and what you are doing. Documenting your experience can be a valuable thing for other people and for your own reflection. It is also a way of training yourself to pay close attention to what is around you. That in itself is worth the money.  You can glorify God with that camera! (You can also learn to make lovely pictures and give them to people as gifts.) I don’t think you are being reckless at all. God can use the things we want to wonderful ends! 

I’m sorry your mom is not supportive - consider our gift as being from your other family, your church family. 

And if you decide not to get the camera that’s fine - just use the gift card for something that you want but don’t need - something that you will enjoy but wouldn’t or couldn’t easily do for yourself. 

I have a great admiration for you and what you are doing. 

Peace,

Franklin

I was seriously in tears. I couldn’t believe it, and I realized that God was blessing me way beyond what I thought to even ask for.  There I’d been, wistful but wary of spending a ton of money when I don’t have an income and need every penny for necessities of the Race.  But then, God not only tells me it’s okay to get a camera, but also helps me buy it, just because He loves me and knows that this can be used for His glory.  Wow. Juuuust wow.

And you know what? The camera is still pretty expensive, even with the financial help. But that’s not what matters; I’m so thrilled about God’s reminders through my pastor. I can’t believe I limited Him to provision through prayers and general donations.  I didn’t even ask for this one!! Such a specific contribution that blessed me more than financially/materially! I’m telling you, He is beyond good.

[V1]

It rebels against the laws of the universe

It has a mind of its own

Ebb and flow, rhythmic

But never predictable

It fools me, then leaves me all alone

[V2]

This stagnant soul stands embittered

Roughened, toughened, and cold 

Heart will resist intrusion

Wrestling with rage or apathy

Till you peel back layers of old

[V3]

Numbness is a defense for my senses,

Bewildered mind, seeking heart 

It’s now a hazy end

I’ll never be the same

Promise me this is my restart

[PC]

It steals my momentum

Shakes and shakes me

[C]

Until it gives way, gives mercy

Give me hope that we’re never too far

Too far to be pulled back up

Believe not the lie 

[O]

Discover the yearning within

No longer paralyzed by fear 

Lyrics for my songwriting class final song- a combination of poems written for my poetry class. And this is pretty much how I feel right now. 

Sisters in prayer with vastly different stories.  We’d shared, prayed, feasted, laughed, sobbed.

And our most recent chat gave birth to an epiphany. That God seemed to be kneading the same ingredient into our portions of dough. Though we’re parts of the same dough, we had been too distracted by the pockets of air (in this case, our problems) to realize we were stuck together, in a good way!  

The ingredient? Outreach. In this season of our lives, we’ve been experiencing concurrent phases of brokenness and desire for healing.  Of course, God is using other people to love us, but He is also teaching us to focus less on ourselves and more on loving others (including each other!). And it’s not coincidental that outreach was paired with healing.  Because through reaching out, God can restore in us the joy of redemption, the inimitable peace of Christ, and the reason we believe in the first place.  Simple, but powerfully humbling.  It’s pretty cool that God heals me most when I think of myself least. 

Jesus, please take my ugliness and do with it what you will. I can’t deal with it anymore, and I don’t know why I always try to fix myself, only to plunge deeper into self-hatred in doing so.  

Next step: rejoice that absolutely nothing good lies in me, that I don’t get the glory!

Hello, everyone! :D

Please send me an e-mail (michelle.m.kwak@gmail.com) with your e-mail address/mailing address if you’d like to support me for the WORLD RACE and/or follow my blog! (michellekwak.theworldrace.org) Currently there are some technical issues with my blog that are preventing me from posting anything, but I’ll let you know when it’s up and running! And even though you can’t read my blog yet, you can at any time follow that link and click “Support Me!” on the left to contribute financially! I need to raise $15,500 total, but my first deadline is $3500 by July 1! 

[See my initial post on the WR if you don’t know what I’m talking about, and check out theworldrace.org]  

We have a week of intense training camp in mid-July, and we launch for the 11-month journey to 11 countries in September! I’m really just beginning my fundraising/support process, and to be honest, I’m quite overwhelmed and anxious because I wanted to start a while ago but have been swamped with school and other things.  I still am, but time is ticking; I feel God giving me conviction and momentum.  So I wanted to spread the word and gain support in prayer and funds!  I trust He will provide, especially in unexpected ways.  I’m excited to see His provision manifested! 

As you feel led, please share this with your family, friends, and anyone who might be interested in supporting me in any way. I’m already so very grateful for all the encouragement I’ve received! And if you’d like to ask me more about it in person or via e-mail, don’t hesitate! :) I’m honored to invite you on this adventure, this RACE with me!! 

I have had a love-hate relationship with this thing called desperation. 

Love it because it grows me to full dependency on God. And by His grace, it’s beautiful.

Hate it because, well, who likes feeling needy and broken?

But I know it’s a necessary, inevitable aspect of God’s refining fire. And actually, it’s quite cathartic and freeing.